Remember?
by allthebrokenhearts
Summary: The letter Blaine writes to Kurt at the age of 27, years after Kurt has left him.
1. Chapter 1

_This came to me just now._

_Might write the reply letter from Kurt. Might not. _

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><p>I know it's been years, Kurt. I know. But it's not been the time to do this before now. I haven't had the courage or the ability.<p>

I remember that first kiss of ours like it was yesterday. That's the cheesiest line, but you will have to survive. All of this will be a cliché. Deal with it.

I remember how it was just lips touching, slowly adjusting. Then the second one that was a little deeper. More knowing. Safer. The way you smiled at me and blushed as my hand touched your cheek. How we kept being silent about it until the day after. The response.

Do you remember the way David hugged you? Do you remember how Wes was so happy for us that he didn't even speak about anything but it? Do you remember how Mercedes jumped and smiled and _kissed my forehead_? Do you ever think about how your father silently smiled and how Carole got up from the couch to hug the both of us?

Have you ever thought back to the little smile Finn gave you? Or how proud he later told us he really was. He might not have known, but that was the smartest thing he ever let out. I still remember: "I'm so proud of you, Kurt. I know it's weird but I really think you should be too."

It might have been, that he didn't know, but he meant me too. And I was on top of the world. I was the proudest person on the face of the earth. Happy, Kurt.

What about our first dance? At your junior prom, when Dave left the floor. And I asked you for a dance. You looked so nervous but it was _so nice_ to just dance and not care about the stares. And then everyone just joined in. And I felt more alive with your hands on me then I ever had. But I had more of that to come, didn't I?

The first time we spoke our love aloud wasn't under the stars. It was just our coffee shop. But it was so perfect, and you looked so good. And you almost got the mocha down the wrong throat when I said it. But you replied. And smiled. Sipped coffee. The day went on. But we were to say it a lot of times and this is what made us amazing. Because no matter how many times I told you those three little words, it never stopped feeling as if it was the first time they slipped past my lips.

Do you remember when we made love for the first time?

I got up in the morning, and you had texted me like always. A happy 'did you sleep well?' and then a 'please come over later. I'm lonely,' that made me smile. I told you that then, remember?

It was a Saturday, and I drove to you. The sun shined in my eyes all way, it was so beautiful I could've cried. All I saw in it was your laugh. Your laugh was, to me, like the sun on a bright and light day. Your kisses like a thunderstorm and the taste of your tears reminded me of a soft pond in the middle of a forest.

You wore the thing you knew I liked the most that day. You seemed so loving and true, when you held my hand as we ate dinner together. And you said, and these words I remember too; "I never want us, to have sex, Blaine. I want us to make love. Could we do that?"

My heart burst, Kurt, because that was all I could have asked for. You were so perfect and wonderful and just _everything_ I had ever wanted.

So we held hands and went up the stairs to your room. And I kissed your back. You kissed the scar on my shoulder. I called you 'beautiful' and you cried as I was in you. The whole world was painted the colour of your eyes and the blood coming from the hole in my lip, dripping down on your chest. And in my mind, I kept the image of your water filled eyes and the sound of your musical voice as you cried out my name as we fell over the edge together.

I held you all night through and kissed you when I woke back up. And you smiled with your eyes closed. We didn't bother to get up before your father was knocking on the door. I was so utterly happy that you were the love of my life. Because I was the one for you too.

Do you remember the way we would be together every day and talk for hours on the phone? Do you still think about how fantastic it was to move to New York? Do you still have the ring and note I gave you there? Do you ever listen to our song on the CD I gave you? Or did you throw it all out?

Do you remember that second year of collage when we stopped talking for hours? How we didn't watch TV lying down on the couch together anymore. How our kisses were never just on the lips anymore? Do you remember when we started having sex, Kurt? Do you honestly remember, or did you let it slip your mind?

You threw me on the bed that night. And you _fucked_ me until I cried for you to stop, but you didn't 'till you were done. And it hurt while you were thrusting into me, and I had to bite my lip to forget the pain you were causing. But it only made me cry more, because the blood from my lip reminded me of our first time. Of how it had dripped on you then, how you had asked about it and I had simply said, that it was from the love they felt when kissing you.

Do you remember the scream I let you when you came? Or how I sobbed all night as you were lying with you back against me.

That was the last tame I ever saw you. Next morning you were gone and only left me a note. This note I've kept to this day.

"_I have left you, Blaine. I'm not sorry. We need to move on. There's nothing more here. Let it go. Don't try to stop me. I don't love you anymore._

_You're a naïve fool, Anderson. Didn't you see? _

_Kurt."_

You didn't even remember to say goodbye to Rachel. She cried with me.

Today you have everything you ever dreamed of. You have the good job, the husband and the money.

But, Kurt, are you truly happy without me?

Missing you, despite all. Blaine.


	2. Chapter 2

_Got asked to do this. Might even do another reply thing. Just to showcase Blaine's reaction to this._

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><p>That depends on how you define "truly happy", Blaine.<p>

I would say I am. Maybe even happier than when it was the two of us.

Next time, would you send your damn self-pity letters to my office? My husband found it and hasn't stopped asking. How am I to tell him about my fucking high school sweetheart? A guy I dumped many, _many_ years ago.

You are right; I have everything I ever dreamed of, Blaine. I have the job. Do you? I have yet to see a poster for a show of yours. Did you give up on dreaming? If so, I was right back then. You're a naïve fool.

I bet you waited for me to come back to you, Anderson, while crying into the shoulder of another left back person. Rachel didn't make it big either. I never told her, but I bet you can for me. She's ordinary. There are so many girls with a little specialty to their looks and a sort of big voice.

But people like me? You would be able to count us. It's as simple as that, Blaine.

You are just two ordinary people.

I do remember everything you wrote about.

But don't you remember how you looked away when I walked with other guys? Or kissed them? You knew about that, didn't you? Stop lying to yourself, Blaine. It was over long before the second year of collage. It was over the day we promised, that we would never leave each other. You saw it in my eyes, didn't you? You knew I would burn you up and leave you.

You knew we didn't watch that stupid TV together anymore because we just weren't that kind of lovebirds anymore.

I'm surprised you don't mention the time where you were beat up and I didn't do anything. Wasn't that the first time I broke you? I saw you cry that night, like many to come. You know the awful thing about it? I had stopped caring. I didn't even feel the urge to lie with you or hug you. I didn't even want to kiss the pain away.

I did hear you sob the night before I left you. I was awake all night, and I decided, that it wasn't worth it to stay around.

Do you want to know why I didn't say anything to Rachel, besides what I wrote before? Not only would she have insisted, that we could work it out, she is just as stupid and naïve as you.

You, Blaine Anderson, is the kind of person I despise the most. You are always so open. Raw. So much like me when I met you, that it makes me sick. No one like you will make it any bigger than a few little shows. And I hate you, Anderson.

You got all the emotion out of me at all the wrong times. But I've learned to close myself up and not care anymore. We don't belong together and it makes my feel bad for you that you can't let go after so many years. You should. Or maybe you should kill yourself already.

You just sound like one of those lost poets we would listen to every Friday our first year in New York. Like the one that cried and you got on stage and told him, that it would be okay. Did you really believe that? Didn't you just want a better place to be, maybe share it with everyone you loved?

That's how you always were. Ever loving and caring about anyone you might meet. Every single person in the world mattered to you. Hell, you even cared for those who hated you. A habit you haven't changed.

Wasn't that what I fell for? The way you cared without knowing who I was. Never mind, that. Forget it.

Don't bother me, Blaine. Don't bother answering either; we are over.

Kurt.

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><p><em>I hurt myself writing this. I know it's out of character for Kurt, but I wanted to try it out.<em>


	3. Chapter 3

_This was hard to write. He couldn't just turn 180°, so he's ... yeah. Read it._

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><p>You … <em>Kurt.<em> How can you write something like that, after all we've done together? How can you tell me to end my life? You know I love the world, Kurt. _How?_

Why did you grow this cold, Kurt? You are not the boy I love. It's him I wrote a letter to, not this cold-hearted man, hungry for money.

What, Kurt, would your father say? Do you even talk to Burt anymore? I did, just yesterday. You haven't called him for so long. Last time he saw you was at your wedding, and back then you barely spoke to him.

He said you changed for the worse. I told him, that it was a choice you had made by yourself, and whatever you were to choose would be the right thing.

I believed in you.

Do you remember how I promised to every show you would be in? And how I would come with flowers? Do you remember how you cried of happiness when I told you that? How you told me you loved me over and over? Does he, your husband? Does he show up at every show and throw roses at your feet? Does he love you like I do? Does he sigh your name and look you in the eyes? Does he kiss your sweetly when you need it? Does he hug you tightly when you've cried in your sleep? Does he listen when you talk about your family? Do you even talk about them anymore?

Do you visit your mother's grave or call Finn? Do you ever write to hear about your nephew? You forgot them all, didn't you?

But I refuse to believe that you feel nothing for me anymore. Kurt, did you try to find others because we were too intense? Was there too much passion?

I do remember how we started to fade from each other. It didn't just happen. You didn't want me near you. But I can't bring myself to believe that it was due to a lack of love.

Do you remember the magic between us when we touched each other? Skin on skin in cool air could feel like a burning summer heat. I can still feel your gentle fingers on me if I focus hard enough. But what seem to cover my skin are the scars you left with your hash last words and the rough treatment you gave me.

But you remember the Friday poets? The little things we laughed at together there. The slight sobs they drew from you at times. Tell me, Kurt, didn't you love it? Didn't you also want to stay in that world, in that little paradise, and let the rest of the world go on outside. I loved bringing you there, because everything was raw emotion. Just like us.

But don't tell me that _we_ weren't lovebirds anymore. If your love for me really did end, it was only you who felt that way, Kurt. I dragged you to the couch and held you tight into me, pleading you to just be with me. To spend some time doing nothing but breathing the same air for a while. You refused me over and over, and so I stopped asking. We stopped talking.

Kurt, the more I write, the more I _remember_. It all feels like a haze.

You used to be so open and pure. You made a great deal about being honest. You were so much an inspiration for me that I can hardly think I'll ever find something like that again. But if you really are happy with your new husband, and you really do _hate_ me, then there's nothing I can do. Nothing I should do.

People keep saying that I deserve better than you. Is that true, Kurt? Because when we started out, I thought of myself as the lucky one. The one who had one a perfect love to live with. Something I could keep with me my whole life.

I'm sorry for the tears on the paper, Kurt. I didn't want to cry, but it hurt so bad to read your reply. It's not healthy for me to do this, is it? I don't want it to hurt anymore, Kurt. But every morning I wake up and my heart breaks. You're not next to me in the bed like you are in my dreams. This is what hurts the most. To admit I lost you despite everything we did together. All the times we made love and cried in each other's arms.

I'm starting to sound like one of my many broken records.

You might not even read this.

How come I still care?

Blaine.

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><p><em>Please don't think that I personally hate Kurt. I love the him. It's just a story. (-;<em>

_Also; thank you for the reviews I-:_


	4. Chapter 4

_This is the last letter. If there's interest for it, I can write an fic based on this. I feel like writhing a break-up fic. _

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><p>The thing here is, Blaine that I write whatever I want. I <em>dumped<em> you, and yet you believe I feel something for you? Isn't that a little to hopeful, even for you?

I might have changed. I'm somewhat cold. This is due to the fact, that all I ever got from feelings was weakness, Blaine. Don't _you_ remember how ashamed I was of crying? I grew cold so I wouldn't care, Blaine.

Don't think that I care because I tell you this. I don't.

My father says nothing, for the record. He and I are formal. We don't speak unless we really have to. He knows this, why is he playing the old, lost father? It makes me somewhat sick.

I don't need you justifying my life choices. If you knew what was best for the world around you, you either backed off or vanished. It's been years and you still haven't gotten over me? I keep asking myself why you even bother keeping yourself alive. The whole 'loving the world' thing is crap, Anderson. You spilled your heart out for me. Don't forget that. You told me I could break you, and I did, Blaine. So why do you even bother, when I was your reason to love the earth so much? And perhaps the sun would shine a bit brighter on the rest of us, if you flushed your life out. Huh?

You talked big all the time. You talked so much about standing up for and being strong for me when I needed it. Where are the flowers you promised me?

What does it matter to you, if my husband throws roses at my feet? _Why_ do you want to know if he loves me like you?

I don't talk about my family. And they don't talk about me, am I right? They hate me, despise me, like I hate them. My nephew hardly knows my name, why would I write to hear about him? Finn treated me badly for so long, and I was bleeding for him for years, so why should I call to give him a pity talk now?

How do you even dare ask me about my mother? Ugh. How I sat with you by that stone and _lied_ to myself. And cried like it was going to help anything.

But you keep trying to remind me of our 'love'. Blaine, you, compered to my husband, are nothing. You are _poor_ and _shitty_ compared to him. He might not be my first, but I'm never leaving him for someone as pathetic as you. So give up, Blaine, before you humiliate yourself even more.

The treatment was the outcome of a relationship you helped build. I didn't want you anymore, and you kept denying that, so I forced so many harsh things on you. I was ready to hit you and call you anything to just make you realise that you had lost me. But you are such a _teenage boy_ that you just don't believe in evil.

And I feel like throwing up, Blaine. You make me sick.

I hate my old self. And I hate you, Blaine Anderson. This is a waste of time. Why do I even reply to you? What the hell does it matter if your life sucks? Mine is amazing. Everything I've ever wanted. And you aren't a part of that. To me, you're a ghost, Anderson. Something I have forgotten.

And you are right you shouldn't do anything. You shouldn't try to make me come back to you or love you again. I told you back then. I don't love you. I never will. You are that part of my past I want to forget _the most_.

I don't want to remember loving some fool of a guy. I don't want to remember loving some hopeless person with no future.

You, Blaine Anderson, you're a loser.

You were that the day I met you and you still are. This won't ever change, will it? You will always be the first guy to tell the tales of your mind and sob over the past.

Guess what, Blaine. You can't change what happened.

I'm better off without you. That's what this all comes down to. I love my life without you. I don't want you near me. I don't want some cried-on reply letter that tells me you're sorry or that you love me.

You know, that this will only hurt you further.

Anderson? I hope you find something better to do than this. I hope that you listen to me.

And die.

Kurt.

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><p><em>Maybe I should write what happens with Blaine after this. <em>

_So many stories to start on._


	5. Chapter 5

_I hope this is as good as the letters. _

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><p><em>Blaine held tightly onto Kurt's hand as he tried to convince his boyfriend to come fall asleep on the couch. He had done this a lot of times before. It was just a matter of holding on to the thought.<em>

"_Please," he kept saying, over and over. Kurt didn't answer. Blaine whispered and begged for some sort of communication. Kurt kept his mouth shut but suddenly started to drag Blaine towards the bedroom. No words came from his lips; he simply dragged the teary-eyed Blaine in to their bed and threw him on it. _

_In the hallway they had passed Rachel who had grown used to them having sex, even when she was in the apartment. But this time, Rachel wasn't so happy about it. To her, sex wasn't something you do while crying and she knew Blaine shared this opinion with her. She sat down in the kitchen and tried to read. But she heard Blaine's begging through the thin walls of their cheap apartment and as his pain filled cries got louder, she started sobbing. All that coldness she had felt between her two favourite people in the world had reached a boiling point. She was in the middle of the spilt up but she was going to fight for them and what they had shared._

_That at least was the plan until Blaine walked into her room and got in her bed. He cried for hours, his head on her shoulder._

* * *

><p>"Do you think it's a good idea, Blaine? You know you deserve better than him, and-"<p>

"I want to." Blaine was writing Kurt his first letter in years. It was handwritten in curly letters. His handwriting hadn't changed since high school. It was classic Dalton handwriting. Not as neat as Kurt's handwriting, Blaine remembered, but almost.

"It's a personal matter, Rachel. I know you think I'm hurting myself, and maybe I am, but so be it," Blaine went on as he looked at the note Kurt had left on his nightstand before disappearing. Rachel sat down next to him. They didn't live together anymore, but they did live close. Rachel had stopped chasing the Broadway career and had settled for giving advice and help talent grow through teaching.

"But if he answers, then what are you hoping for?" Rachel asked and picked up Kurt's old note. Blaine fell silent. He hadn't thought the plan through. What if Kurt did send a reply letter? What if it was a horrible and cruel response?

Blaine didn't want to finish the scenario. He was scared of the response, but had to write the letter. He had to know if Kurt ever thought of him or missed him. He had to know what had happened in the mind of his ex boyfriend.

"I just hope for an answer," he whispered and with a forced smile he started to write the letter. A letter he would later read aloud. A letter he would later cry over and regret.

* * *

><p>The almost silent knock on the door made it obvious to Kurt; that it was his husband knocking on the door. Kurt turned and asked for him to come in. Kurt smiled a little to himself as the man walked towards him, a letter in his hand.<p>

"What's that?" Kurt asked. Abel, his husband let the paper fall on the table with a "you tell me, Kurt".

Kurt picked it up and started reading, suddenly realizing what it was. He looked up at Abel, who seemed to be waiting for an answer or some sort of clue.

"Old boyfriend, dumped him brutally," Kurt said and reached for Abel. Abel smiled as their lips fell together. But in the back of Kurt's mind he knew it wasn't the end of the questions. He also knew that he would have to at least read what Blaine was up to. It had been years after all. Not that he really cared for the guy anymore. He hadn't spoken to him or Rachel since he had left and felt nothing about it. He wasn't happy about it, but he wasn't sad either. It was life and a choice he had made.

"Coming back to the apartment for dinner?" Abel asked as he pulled back to his full height. Kurt nodded and Abel turned to walk out of the studio. The silence fell around Kurt as he started to read the letter, taking little note about what he would fill his reply with.

* * *

><p>It took Blaine a whole hour before he had gathered up strength to open Kurt's reply letter. And then he froze. The first line gave him the slightest bit of hope.<p>

_That depends on how you define "truly happy", Blaine._

But then his heart broke. His world fell apart around him and he called Rachel as the first and cried into her ear. Her comforting words seemed so meaningless. How could he have been that stupid? Kurt wouldn't want to hear from him. But then it clicked for Blaine. There was a _reply_. A reply was something. And he knew that he would have to be careful, but maybe he would be able to get some honest feelings out of his ex. Light the spark.

The whole letter felt like a lie, honestly. But Blaine spend time crying and thinking about the words.

_Or maybe you should kill yourself already._

* * *

><p>Kurt knew Blaine was going to reply, but he hadn't seen it coming, that Blaine would try to get him back even harder. He felt himself get slightly sick at this for reasons he couldn't really tell. It didn't matter much.<p>

He was reminded of his family in the letter, and it pissed him off. Somehow, he had stopped talking to them. He almost felt like they didn't exist. What did it matter anyway? They would just be in the way. He replied in a tone he hoped would break Blaine and make him stop sending more letters.

* * *

><p>Blaine sat alone in his apartment with the last reply from Kurt. Blaine could hardly get himself to look at the paper. It stung that bad. The writing seemed so harsh and the words were filled with so much hate. Blaine knew that if he kept this going, he <em>was<em> going to kill himself from the hurt it was causing him to exchange letters with Kurt.

How Kurt could deny that they had something amazing Blaine didn't understand. But he was going to prove it in some way. So he started sending Kurt little things. Like the flowers he had promised him long ago, a small recording of a beautiful love song and a heart in a box. He sent something small and simple each day. And while doing so, he hoped that Kurt would one day send him a letter saying three simple words he remembered clearly to have heard from his ex long ago.

_I love you._

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><p><em>I'm over the moon, really. The response on the last chapter was amazing. I'm so happy.<em>

_There was one that I will reply to here. I don't think there's a happy ending here. Might be, but I don't think so._


	6. Chapter 6

_I got a comment on the Kurt being out of character. I know it's nothing like him._

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><p>Kurt was getting all the small presents from Blaine. One every day that gave him a little reminder, that his old boyfriend still loved him. He threw the first ones out: a big, perfect rose and a poem with a picture of him and Blaine together. The little gesture was nagging him. What did Blaine want with all this? The little heart in the bow was the thing that had hurt him the most. Inside the box, with the heart had been a small knife and a letter saying 'just stab it'. Kurt simply let the heart stay in the box and had stored it with the rest of the things that got to him. The sudden reminder of feelings was harsh but was lighting something in him.<p>

He felt it with Abel to. He began to feel annoyed whenever his husband would speak of God or work. It was mostly because Kurt didn't see his work as _work_. With the new emotions streaming through him very slowly, he had redefined a lot of things. One of these was his work. It seemed like such a game that he just enjoyed playing more than anything.

But he still refused to send Blaine some sort of reply or tell that the gifts made their way to him. He didn't really want the other man in his life anymore. Keeping him out wouldn't have been a problem if Blaine _had_ killed himself. But Kurt was still getting the small surprises every day, indicating that his former lover was still living.

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><p>Rachel had been at Blaine's apartment for a couple of hours when the phone rang. It had at that time been two months since Blaine had started the gift sending. Not a single word had been uttered from Kurt. Rachel had told Blaine to just stop his plan, but Blaine had refused and kept fighting for whatever attention from Kurt he could get.<p>

Blaine had answered the phone and looked in shock. Rachel watched him from her seat on his couch, as he started whispering careful replies into the phone. She felt herself smile, as he did so. It was the first time in a long time she had seen that smile on his face. She got up and picked up a piece of paper on her way to him. She searched her pockets for a pencil and then wrote on a note for Blaine.

_Is it Kurt?_

Blaine nodded and took the pencil gently from her hand.

_He's crying._

* * *

><p>Abel had found the gifts that morning and had asked all sorts of questions. How he could keep the gift from an old boyfriend when he was married to someone else. Was he having an affair with this Blaine person? Did he love Blaine?<p>

They hadn't broken up, since Kurt had just told his husband to get out of his studio so he could finish sorting and throwing the gifts out. Kurt had taken everything and put it in boxes for storage, but the shelves felt open and cold. He had started crying then, realizing just how cruel he had been to everybody around him: his father who missed him more than anything, his brother and his wife, their child. He had even forgotten about his mother. He hadn't visited her grave for three full years. It hurt to think about it all.

But worst of all he had neglected his friends and _Blaine_. Blaine, who was sending him his unconditional love via little presents and gestures.

But what brought him to call the man, was the words sent his way that day.

_You told me to fight, when my parents wouldn't acknowledge me. Now I fight despite the words coming from them again. All I want is you. _

_But you have to call me and earn it._

Somewhere in his mind, Kurt knew Blaine had wanted to add, that Blaine had properly sat and thought to himself 'he won't respond, but I can't keep going'. Kurt felt his heart wrench at this and kissed the letter, picked up his phone and dialled a number he didn't know he could remember.

* * *

><p>Blaine told Burt about the phone call that very next morning. The older man seemed to be so happy he could hardly come with a full sentence to reply to Blaine. Blaine on the other hand was talking fast and easy, a lot of pain removed from his voice. He called around bit and then went to eat with Rachel, telling her of his new plan.<p>

"You want to go there and talk to him?" Rachel asked as she cooked dinner. Her husband was leaning on the doorframe, watching the two old friends talk about a man he had never met. This was a fact he didn't intend to change based on what he had heard about Kurt. He seemed like a heartless and coldblooded person, honestly.

"I do," Blaine answered and carefully drank his coffee. Rachel turned to look at him, concern in her brown eyes. Blaine looked up and smiled at her, that smile she loved so much. Blaine's smile was one that had always lightened her world, but it had been gone for a long period of time after Kurt had left. Now that it was back, she couldn't believe it, and didn't try to stop him from getting what he wanted.

Kurt.

* * *

><p>"<em>Blaine? It's Kurt, hi."<em>

"_Hi," Blaine whispered and smiled to himself. Kurt could almost hear him smile and sighed as he started to tear up._

"_I'm so sorry, Blaine. I know it not –"_

"_Relax, Kurt," Blaine cut in. Kurt's voice was trembling and breaking. It made the words that came out sound like a cry for help. Blaine's heart almost broke at the sound and he stopped the other male before it started to hurt even more. But this was a better hurt. It didn't sting or scar him, but it was the feeling of the scares slowly healing just the slightest bit._

"_You're too good for me, and you know it," Kurt whispered in the other end, his voice thick with tears. Blaine sighed and smiled just a bit._

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><p><em>Oh God. The reviews, man ... They make me feel bad if I don't update every day. So I try to. <em>

_This will make a lot of people happy I hope._

_Is this even still good?_


	7. Chapter 7

_I stil cannot believe how nice all the reviews are. Thank you so much (heart)._

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><p>Blaine got into his car and drove. At first he didn't drive towards Kurt. He pulled himself together instead, taking deep breaths and singing loudly to himself. The thought of seeing Kurt again, face to face, was so scary he could hardly stand it. It just seemed so frightening to look into those eyes again. To look right into a pair of eyes that had loved and hated him with such passion it had broken him down. The pressure those eyes had put on him had made him shut down and cry one day and made him laugh and smile the next.<p>

But he had after a few hours turned the car and driven into central New York.

* * *

><p>Kurt was sitting by the window in his huge apartment waiting for his husband to pick him up so they could eat lunch together. This was something they ad never done before, but after coming more in touch with himself, Kurt felt the need to. He had married this man because of his looks and way of behaving. They would somehow have to find a way to make up for it.<p>

This was his pan. At least it was until Kurt went to open the door and a man, shorter and darker skinned stood before him, whispering his name.

Kurt almost burst into tears when another man got up behind Blaine, putting a hand on his shoulder and then addressing Kurt.

"Abel, it's not a fight between the two of you. This is something I have to talk about and deal with. Blaine could you wait until we come back?" Kurt's voice seemed to be another's. The way it was shaking as he reached out for Blaine and pulled him in and then left him in the apartment.

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><p>On his way up the stairs, Blaine's hands started shaking violently and his steps felt much more unpleasant for each one. The elevator wasn't broken. The stairs was a way to drag out time, so he could gather whatever courage he might need for the talking he was going to do.<p>

It would hurt a lot to stand in front of Kurt and talk to him, but Blaine knew how important it was to do it the right way. Nothing was more important than being able to read the others face and body language.

So when Blaine finally knocked on the door and Kurt opened, all he could do was just let out an almost silent whisper of the other mans name. Blaine's heart was pounding harder and harder in his chest as Kurt looked him in the eyes and was about to say something, when a voice interrupted.

"Kurt? It this the ex boyfriend I've been hearing of?" It wasn't that Blaine's heart _skipped a beat_ when he heard this. It was just that he froze because of the firm hand on his shoulder and the almost cold way the voice let the words be formed.

When Kurt pulled Blaine into the apartment and asked him to wait, he was shocked, honestly. And then the door closed right in front of him and he was left behind. He knew very well, that the shell around Kurt hadn't been cracked, but he had felt so close when that phone call had happened. But after seeing the man Kurt was with it felt hopeless. Kurt had been right; Blaine didn't have his career or money. Actually, Blaine didn't have anything that man had.

* * *

><p><em>Somewhere the door opened and Blaine came into the house, smiling widely at Rachel who was in the kitchen cooking. It was really Blaine's turn, but Rachel had insisted that because it was her 'favourite boys'' two-year anniversary, she would cook.<em>

_It was still their first year in New York. They had yet to come to terms with the 'please don't have sex while I'm here' problem and others. But getting used to being together, not getting mad when one used the other's toothbrush or shampoo was way easier than they had imagined. _

_Blaine was pretty sure he and Kurt would last for long. They had some fights now and then. The first one had scared them, but made the future ones seem less serious. Like it didn't matter if they fought._

_That night, after sharing a dinner and old stories with Rachel, Kurt and Blaine went to their room and held each other for a long time. It was perfectly quiet for half an hour or so, before Blaine broke it with a whispered question._

"_We will last forever, right? Kurt. We will fight for this to work, won't we?"_

_Kurt pulled back and stared into Blaine's eyes. It took Blaine everything to not cry at the almost hidden fire that was going to burn him alive. He could just make it out in the clear colour of Kurt's eyes._

"_Yes, we will," Kurt said and kissed Blaine, slow and passionately._

* * *

><p><em>I stayed up 'till four in the morning to figure out how to write this. I-:<em>


	8. Chapter 8

_I love you for reading this far. I really, truly do. Marry me?_

* * *

><p>Waiting for Kurt was something Blaine had found himself used to after the years they had spent apart. At first he had waited for his ex boyfriend to come back to him, then for a letter or a phone call. When Blaine then had contacted Kurt, he had to wait for a reply. Then Blaine had sent the gifts and had waited for some sort of result.<p>

Now he was waiting for the man he loved to return from a date. A date that would be about Blaine himself and what was going to happen.

The silence in the big apartment was getting to him, as he walked around to look for photos. He had to look hard to find them, but in the end found Abel's workroom and the price. It was a single black and white photo of Kurt with a fake smile across his face. Blaine frowned at the picture and looked closer. He could see right through the smile and the utterly fake way he was tilting his head. Nothing in the frame seemed anything near real and it burned Blaine's eyes.

Then something hit Blaine. Abel lived in the middle of this lie. He believed in the smile and the tilted head. This was his love. And then the sound of Blaine's heart breaking filled the silent room, tears filling his eyes. He had never felt that awful before and he couldn't even explain why.

* * *

><p>"I assume you want him back," Abel said calmly as he seated himself in front of Kurt. Kurt's eyes found that familiar place on his husband's chest as he just as calmly replied he had yet to think about such things. The air outside the café was foggy and Kurt had a hard time not staring out into it, wishing to disappear in it.<p>

"But you still love him, don't you? Please don't lie," Abel went on and waved at a waiter. Kurt shrugged and looked at the table. Abel ordered.

"I do," Kurt whispered and turned his eyes to look at Abel who was staring at him, speechless. The following silence fell upon them as time went slowly by. Kurt struggled with the heavy weight of his husband's eyes on him. He couldn't help but feel ashamed and uncomfortable.

"Then go," Abel finally said. Kurt looked up at him. "No, choose. Safety and money to spend or _love_." Kurt felt his stomach turn at the way Abel spat out the word as if it didn't matter. All of a sudden it meant a great deal to him and his own husband said it like that?

"I have to think, Abel. I can't just get him back, he …" Kurt trailed of and stared at Abel blankly for a minute before getting up.

* * *

><p>A sound of a door opening and footsteps in the apartment made Blaine more focused on the world around him. He listened to the footsteps, but could only count two feet.<p>

"Kurt?" he called out but not too loud. It didn't seem like the right time to yell or act up. That would be saved for later.

Kurt turned around the corner of the hall and walked into the living room where Blaine had placed himself on the couch. Kurt stopped in his tracks and just took in the full view of his former lover. Blaine had aged, that was for damn sure. The scruff on his cheeks and the way he dressed indicated it just as much as his slightly more sharpened jawline.

"Do you remember that one night where you did care that I was hurt?" Blaine whispered and looked Kurt in the eyes. Kurt nodded slowly and smiled to himself.

"Do you remember how I kissed all the pain away?" Blaine nodded and got up from the couch and walked to stand in front of Kurt.

* * *

><p>As he sat in the car on his way back, Blaine smiled to himself as he sang all the most beautiful songs he knew. The trip hadn't been for nothing. He might not have gotten Kurt back, but that wasn't the point of the drive. The point had been to tease the whole situation and get Kurt to look inside himself. There was a slight hint of pride in his voice as he sang and he loved the sound of it.<p>

He drove straight to Rachel to let her in on the next part of the plan.

* * *

><p><em>Blaine smiled at Kurt and kissed him on the cheek tree times, very light and flirty. Then he said, with the hint of a smile on his lips, "If you really love me and want me, you will have to hunt me down. You broke me, Kurt. That's something you need to make up for."<em>

_Kurt was about to say something when a finger on his lips stopped ham. Blaine got on his toes and kissed the tip of Kurt's nose before walking out of the apartment._

_Kurt stared after Blaine, making a plan of his own._

* * *

><p><em>The last part seems rushed now, but there will be a lot more to it. Also, in my head he kissed Kurt's nose because he couldn't reach the forehead. <em>

_Thank you some much for all the kind reviews. I almost cried with joy ... (-;_


	9. Chapter 9

_Again, it you've been reading all this, I love you and everything you choose to be._

_I hope it's good._

* * *

><p>"Oh, God, Blaine, you didn't!" Rachel laughed and put down a cup of coffee in front of Blaine. Rachel's husband was sitting in front of Blaine, smiling as he pretended to read his paper. The whole situation to him was weird. The fact that Blaine even wanted his ex back didn't make sense to him. But he liked the smile Blaine had on his face as he talked and explained. This was a look of pure happiness.<p>

"I did," Blaine said with a smirk and sipped the hot coffee. Rachel sat down next to her husband and kissed his cheek. Blaine looked into the blackness of his warm liquid. His reflection smiled back at him and then his phone buzzed.

"Blaine," he said casually as he held the phone to his ear. A short moment of silence met him before Kurt slowly started singing in the other end of the line. Blaine smiled brightly at the sound of the talented voice as he got up from the table and walked into the living room.

* * *

><p>Abel had been sitting across from Kurt for half an hour in the evening after their little argument. They had shared a long stare, broken it, sighed and then started over. In the end, Abel had told Kurt to do something. They were a public couple and it was going to look awful if they fell apart because of an old boyfriend, but on the hand, Abel didn't want to be in a relationship where his partner didn't care for him.<p>

The look Kurt had on his face when Abel came through the doors that evening was a new expression. Something that seemed so pure and childish and happy that it broke his heart. Kurt was just about to jump to his husband and kiss him but remembered that they weren't at that page.

"I'm going to call him," Kurt finally said and left the room. Abel sat back and stared after his husband. Then the tears slowly started to fall as it reached him; he had just lost the love of his life to another man. He sobbed for the first time in years and realized he had lived a lie. After an hour he got up, collected some of his most needed things and left for San Francisco.

Kurt looked after him out the window and then smiled at his phone and the message from Blaine.

_Your voice is as beautiful as ever._

* * *

><p><em>Hey there baby, have you got a light? <em>

_I'm not smoking, but I'm afraid I might_

_Have fallen down a dark carpal tunnel and landed in your kiss._

_And in the water from your big brown eyes I swam away from a quarter life crises._

* * *

><p>This time Kurt drove. He drove to Blaine's apartment to talk to him. They would be alone, have all the time they needed and the need for it too.<p>

As Kurt stood in the elevator in the way up, his stomach turned over and over. The tension in his head was getting to him. What if Blaine was somehow bluffing? What if he didn't want Kurt back and was just playing cruel games of payback? What if he was bitter and just wanted revenge more than anything?

Or worse, what if it just didn't work out after all. What if they just couldn't get back together because Blaine couldn't forgive him after all?

Kurt had to stop himself as he reached Blaine's door to focus. This was important. The green door into Blaine's apartment wasn't the one Kurt had walked out of back in collage, but a new one. One that looked the complete opposite of the brownish red one he had walked in and out of so many times he couldn't tell one from the other.

* * *

><p>Blaine kissed Kurt slowly and pushed him down on the couch, knowing he would regret going at it too fast. It was all too soon. The plan he had would be ruined if he couldn't keep a clear head and he knew sex would make it harder for him.<p>

But he couldn't resist Kurt Hummel when he came begging for forgiveness and passionate lovemaking.

* * *

><p>"<em>Uh, hi," Kurt said awkwardly and pulled of his jacket and waited for Blaine to lead him in. The colourful rooms all had a grey hint to them, making the brightness faint a bit. The windows were open and the whole place seemed as friendly and nice as it's owner.<em>

_Blaine offered all sorts of things, but Kurt declined. He just wanted to talk. But the talking stopped as the sun went down._

* * *

><p>"Are you okay?" Blaine asked and moaned. Kurt nodded and wiped a tear from Blaine's face. They smiled at each other and Kurt kissed Blaine softly to let him know that he was ready.<p>

* * *

><p>Blaine was up first and spends a lot of time just staring at Kurt. The man had grown well into his looks and Blaine can't help but smile at the slight hint of a beard.<p>

But then he can't smile anymore; he can't seem to gather the strength to. He doesn't cry for the cruelty the other man showed him, he cries for the time they lost.

* * *

><p><em>The song I used is by Jay Brannan and is called "Denmark". <em>

_Also, creepy anon who want's to marry me? Ok. :-D_


	10. Chapter 10

__I'm sorry if the way I put words together seems weird. It makes sense in my language. __

* * *

><p>Kurt woke up to the sound of broken sobs and turned to find Blaine crying his eyes out. The image broke Kurt's heart to pieces and he could only blame himself. He didn't know if should reach out for the man or stay in his place. The fear of making it worse paralyzed him and he just stared at Blaine.<p>

Blaine turned slowly after a while and looked down at Kurt, smiling through the tears. Kurt tried to smile back but he could tell from Blaine's face that he failed to do so. They stayed like that, trying to make a more comfortable atmosphere.

After two hours of silent stares and broken smiles, Blaine spoke words that broke Kurt.

"Please go now, Kurt." Kurt shook his head and finally reached for Blaine. Blaine's hand met Kurt's and they looked at each other for a short while.

"You have to, before I do something more stupid, Kurt," he whispered and lifted Kurt's hand to kiss it. Kurt pulled his hand away and tried to read the other man's face. The bloodshot eyes looked so hurt and confused that Kurt decided not to give in.

"More stupid?" he asked in a whisper and sat up next to Blaine who simply nodded. "How 'more stupid', Blaine?"

The way Blaine turned his stare to the floor and started biting his lip made him look like a child. Kurt was getting worried at this. That look was the look of a Blaine not wanting to disappoint anyone, but fearing he might do himself damage. This was the boy who grew up in a home where his father wanted him to succeed and a mother who said nothing when the abusive father yelled at his son.

"I just feel that I might let you into my life if you stay now. And I don't know if I'm ready to forgive you for the years you took away from me like that. Maybe you should try to find forgiveness from your friends and family first." Blaine kept his eyes at the floor the whole time and added in an almost silent whisper, "They need you back."

* * *

><p>Kurt had landed in Ohio and was about to continue on to Lima. The trip was a new one for him, despite the long time he had lived in New York.<p>

As he got closer to his old home, he smiled wider and wider. While he was afraid his father wouldn't forgive him everything, he hoped so badly that he could just that hug he needed so bad. The hugs his father had given him through time were hugs that got him up from the darkest places. Ad at that moment he was at the bottom at a dark tunnel and lost.

He knocked patiently at the door and waited for someone to open for him. A few moments passed and he looked over his shoulder to stare at a car driving by.

"Kurt? Kurt!" a dark voice got his attention and he turned his face to see his father standing with tears in his eyes and arms out, ready for the much-needed hug. Kurt threw himself in his father's arms and whispered how sorry he was, over and over. The older man smiled into his son's should and stroked his hair.

* * *

><p>Kurt called Blaine after one week to let him know how his redemption was coming along.<p>

"_All your parents?"_ Blaine laughed and Kurt smiled.

"Yeah, went to my mother's grave to. You should have seen all the flowers, there have never been more."

"_I'm glad,"_ Blaine said and told Kurt to get on to the friends, one by one. Kurt knew he had to make it up for all he had done, and was ready to travel back and forth to do so.

* * *

><p><em>Kurt picked out tons of flowers in all colours and sizes he could get them. It was hard to carry them all alone but he needed them all. Every single one of the blossoms meant something and made it more special. <em>

_The woman at the shop had laughed at him, as he tried to get the flowers into the car he had borrowed from his dad. _

_Somehow he made it to the grave and sighed as he put down the gift for his mother. He smiled and sat down by the stone, slowly letting his hand caress it. He felt the lump in his throat as he tried to say something. It was hard after such a long time. He felt so bad for not even giving his mother a single thought in all those years. _

"_Mom, I'm sorry," he started and soon he felt much better than he ever thought he could. It couldn't be long before Blaine would be taking him back, happy to have the Kurt he fell for in high school._

* * *

><p>Burt smiled at Carol as he came into their bedroom. She sat on the large bed in the middle room, smiling back at him.<p>

"He's really changed since the wedding, hasn't he?" she asked as Burt sat down next to her. He nodded and kissed his wife's forehead gently. She kissed his lips just as softly and took his hand. They shared a moment of comfortable silence before Carole broke it with some soft and very hopeful words.

"If we are lucky, we might get to come to another wedding, you know."

* * *

><p><em>Can I just say, that the response I get from this is what keeps my head high on a otherwise crappy day? I love you all, even the silent readers. Thank you.<em>

_I'm sorry if you thought they were just going to be happy now, btw. It's not that simple._


	11. Chapter 11

_I really hope you will like this. _

* * *

><p>Kurt had been back in New York for a while, when he decided to call Mercedes. She was living with Sam and had a daughter named Hope. Kurt had smiled widely when Rachel had told him this. It was like everything would be more perfect than ha had whished for when starting his journey of apologies.<p>

Not only would he in the end earn Blaine back, he would also get to share it with a whole lot of people.

Secretly Kurt was planning a wedding in the back of his mind. He was afraid to think too much about it, fearing that he might crush his own dreams and hopes. Mercedes would calm he, he knew. It would help to back on her good side and feel her arms embrace him. She was his one friend that got him like no other. With Rachel he had the musicals, but Mercedes was just something different. He was so sure she would listen to him and understand in some way, that he was more than sorry. That he never meant to hurt her, but he had forgotten what love was. He just knew she would ask him to come and visit her.

"_Mercedes Evans Jones on the phone. Who is this?"_ Mercedes' beautiful voice asked in his ear. Kurt wasn't nervous and answered his name in a clear voice, but before he could go on, his former best friend cut him of.

"_What do you think you're doing calling me after all this time, Hummel? You want something from me, don't you? What is it? What do you _want_?"_ Her angry voice almost silenced Kurt. Just as the shock took over him, he remembered how awful he had really been to her. He cleared his throat and in a soft, pleading whisper asked the woman to listen to him.

* * *

><p>Blaine felt his phone buzz and fixed it out of his pocket.<p>

"Hey 'Cedes," Blaine said and smiled as a mock of coffee was placed on the table before him and a waitress smiled back at him and winked. He rolled his eyes and turned his attention to his phone again.

"_If you take back Hummel, you're dump, Blaine. Don't. Why wouldn't he hurt you again? Betray all of us again?"_ Blaine bit his lip and put sugar in his coffee. He hadn't considered that Kurt might do so, but on the other hand, he was traveling The States to beg for forgiveness. Why would he go through all that trouble? Just to humiliate Blaine?

"I wouldn't worry so much. You do know what he's doing at the moment, right? He wants be back so bad, Mercedes. And if he is playing a cruel joke, I have one to laugh at too."

The last part was a lie. Blaine had no idea to do if Kurt was bluffing. If it was all just a cruel joke, Blaine knew how shattered and helpless he would be. He might actually kill himself after all.

* * *

><p>"<em>I used to tell him stories of heartbreaks and he would cry in my rams whenever I said I feared he would leave me. He always said he would be there for me, to heal me and help me. But he's gone, isn't he? He isn't coming back, is he? I miss him so much. I know I shouldn't, but I do, Mercedes. I miss him so bad," Blaine whispered and turned his eyes to the young woman across the table. She was looking at him but soon turned her eyes to her fiancé. Sam tried hard not to look sad as he returned Mercedes' glance. At once they both turned their eyes to Blaine, and Sam smiled gently at him, before Mercedes spoke.<em>

"_You should let it go, Blaine. I'm afraid he won't return. And from what Rachel tells me, you're better off without him." Sam smiled, his eyes still gently on Blaine. _

"_But I love him."_

* * *

><p>Things were getting to Kurt's head. Things like Mercedes' hard shell and the thought of Blaine not really wanting him. Things that weren't real, he told himself. But how could he know? How could he be sure, that he was loved back after such a long time of pain and fear? It was all too much to think about, let alone handle. But Kurt knew, that if he did nothing and it was all in his head, he would regret it for more than doing something for a lie.<p>

* * *

><p>"<em>Have you ever seen somebody look that broken?" Burt asked his wife as they were cleaning after eating with Blaine. Blaine himself they had left in the living room to himself. The pictures of Kurt and Finn on the walls didn't make it easier to sit there. His eyes caught what used to be his favourite photo of him and Kurt: the picture that had been taken right before junior prom. The smile he wore was so pure and exited. Blaine broke down in the Hummel-Hudson living room and cried for four hours before falling asleep, Carole putting a blanket over him and kissing his forehead gently.<em>

* * *

><p><em>I know Mercedes seems OOC, but wouldn't you be really hurt if your best friend did something awful to you? (What Kurt did will be in next update). <em>

_I fear this might get out of hand. I know I'm not in control of the story anymore. It almost writes itself._


	12. Chapter 12

_This should somehow explain why Mercedes is so angry with Kurt._

* * *

><p>Kurt was caught by surprise when Hope was the one opening the door. He smiled down at the beautiful little girl. She took a moment to judge him, before asking for his name. When Kurt answered, she took a step back and looked at him in horror.<p>

"Mom says you're an awful person," she said and Kurt could tell she was afraid. But before he could tell her about his intention to make up for his behaviour, Sam came out and shoved Hope behind him, before turning his attention to Kurt. As their eyes met, Kurt felt slightly sick. Everything he had done to these people came back to him at full force.

"I suspect you want forgiveness," Sam said in a rather cold tone. Kurt nodded and looked at his feet. A hand landed on his shoulder and pulled him in.

"Mercedes isn't home at the moment, so you'll have to wait for her."

* * *

><p><em>It was four in the afternoon and Mercedes had been waiting for Kurt for about an hour. He was to pick her up at the airport, but had yet to show. Mercedes told herself that he could be stuck in traffic or had forgotten the time. The last thing was what she believed the most. Her high school friend was starting to forget a lot of things, it seemed.<em>

_It was the second year of collage and Mercedes had done everything she could to free a weekend. Now she was in New York, but still alone. So she called Kurt's apartment, hoping that Blaine or Rachel would know what was up. Or maybe she would catch Kurt in over sleeping, tired from a long nights studying. _

"Rachel Berry,"_ Rachel's voice sounded thick. Mercedes got worried._

"_Is Kurt still home or do you think he's stuck in traffic?" Mercedes asked, knowing it wasn't necessary to tell Rachel who it was. Rachel choked up again and started apologising. Mercedes slowly started to understand what was going on._

"He left us, Mercedes, he just left without a word."_ The wave of feelings rushing through Mercedes forced her to sit down and take minute. _

"_Can you pick me up?" she asked Rachel._

* * *

><p>Blaine got a call from Santana a Wednesday afternoon while he was re-watching an old TV-show. It surprised him, that the woman even had his number still. They hadn't spoken since Blaine had left for New York with Kurt and Rachel. So when he answered the phone, he had absolutely no clue what to expect.<p>

"_Hear from Puck who heard from Sam that you're taking Hummel back. Are you nuts or something?" _her sharp voice pierced his ear and he caught himself looking down with slight shame. It was weird that she even knew Kurt had left him. Somehow Blaine had thought she didn't care about him or what happened to him. Apparently he was very wrong.

"It's just," Blaine sighed. He didn't know why he even explained himself.

"_Just what?"_ Santana asked and hushed somebody in the background. Blaine couldn't help but smile for a moment. He clearly remembered how it had been to talk with Santana over the phone. Brittany would spend a lot of time trying to be part of the conversation, so Santana would put her phone on speaker.

"I love him_,_" Blaine said. He could almost _hear_ her shake her head. "And Santana? When he drops by for forgiveness, please hear him out."

* * *

><p><em>When Mercedes came into Rachel and Blaine's apartment, she could <em>feel_ how hurt the two of them were. It was in the air around them. Blaine was in the couch, head in hands, still sobbing. It was around two in the afternoon._

"_How long has he been like that?" Mercedes whispered as she followed Rachel out into the kitchen. Rachel looked in at Blaine before turning her eyes back at Mercedes. _

"_Since two, so I guess that makes it twelve hours. But the fact that he got out of my bed is good. It's improvement." Mercedes stared at Rachel for a while before sitting down by the kitchen table. She got her phone from her pocket and called Kurt with an upset look on her face. Not much time passed before Kurt picked up._

"_Where the hell did you go? Blaine's been crying for _twelve_ hours. How can you do that to him?"_

"Why would I care? I don't love him," _Kurt said in a cold tone. The fact that it didn't even sound forced scared Mercedes more than she was willing to admit. _

"_You could at least have called to tell you wouldn't pick me up," she tried, hoping to get some sort of apology from her best friend. The short silence in the other end gave her hope._

"What do I care? I don't love you either."

* * *

><p>Mercedes had kicked Kurt out and he was sitting at a small café drinking coffee and planning when he noticed the ring on his left hand. He hadn't thought of Abel for a while and there would be divorce papers when he came home. But the place didn't mean anything to him anymore. He hadn't been there for so long and he didn't want to. He was fighting so bad for something he had ruined himself and going home seemed like giving up the fight.<p>

The media hadn't heard of the divorce yet and Kurt had yet to see his former husband on TV. The whole thing seemed surreal and it messed him up when he tried to think about it. Somehow it was going to end well, he promised himself even though he had no idea. Lying was easy for him by now.

* * *

><p><em>You told me horror stories in room 426<em>

_Of wooden boys falling for girls made out of matchsticks_

_I should have strapped you to me with padlocks and glue_

_So I could spend the rest of my life wearing nothing socks – and you._

* * *

><p><em>Same song as before. <em>

_I have school soon but I'll try to finish this. _


	13. Chapter 13

_I hope this lives up to all the big words I get thrown my way. _

* * *

><p>"<em>Do you realize he won't come back, Blaine?" Puck asked and drank what was left of his Coke. Somehow he had been able to drag Blaine out in the open after two weeks of staying in sleepwear and crying constantly.<em>

_Puck, who was at the time traveling around The US trying to find himself, had stopped by when he heard of the breakup, insisting on helping Blaine through a healing process. At first Blaine had guessed they would go drinking. He would have been fine with getting pissed, but Puck surprised him by long walks down little streets and conversations about future and love. _

"_I know," Blaine whispered, "But I need some sort of closure, Puck." Puck already knew of this and had thought of something that might help. Something he had done himself after having been left heartbroken by an Italian woman Lena. She had taken everything he owned and thrown him out on the streets of Rome. After that he returned to America and started singing again. _

"_When he settles, write him. You should be able to find him," Puck said and smiled at his shorter friend. Blaine frowned for a second but then put more thought into it and smiled._

* * *

><p>Kurt was let into the apartment that housed Brittany and Santana S. Lopez. He smiled at the cat pictures he knew to be Brittany's. Somehow the place seemed welcoming and warm, despite the coldness coming from Santana. He could feel her glare at him while he walked in at sat on their couch. Brittany got him tea and biscuits while humming an old show tune.<p>

"I'm not happy you're here, Hummel. But Blaine said to listen, so I will," Santana said as Brittany sat down beside her putting her head on the other woman's shoulder.

"I'm glad," Kurt started and smiled at Brittany. They looked like a picture you would be to find under the definition of "perfect love". Kurt knew they were so to. The thing the two women shared had carried them through fights with parents and long, cold nights on the road, heading for Canada. They had made it together and Kurt envied them for their strong minds and for staying with one another.

"I really don't know where to start," he whispered and felt tears sting his eyes as he searched for words. The two others started at him and Santana swallowed a big mouthful of air before suggesting he should start at the beginning.

"I'm more sorry than you will ever believe. I scared myself so much and I took it out on the world around me, like I had the right to use you. I didn't and I don't. I regret so much of what I've done. I can be who I was again. I want to be the man Blaine deserves so bad, I love him _so_ much it stings," Kurt said, struggling to get the words out through sobs and tears. Santana didn't look like she really believed him, but when Brittany got up and hugged Kurt, her eyes softened slightly.

"I'm not forgiving you," Santana said and looked at the hurt expression Kurt was making. "I'm not going to forgive you until Blaine is happily married to you. I will hope and pray for you, _Kurt_, but you're not forgiven until he's truly happy."

* * *

><p>Blaine was on his own couch when his phone buzzed. He smiled at the display when he saw Kurt's name and a picture of a younger version of his ex, dressed for graduation.<p>

"Yeah?" he said and heard a soft sigh in the other end.

"_I needed to hear you voice,"_ Kurt stated and hummed at bit. Blaine smiled, picturing Kurt in some park, drinking coffee. He wished to be there, but knew that everything was at it had to be. It was supposed to be that way.

"Did you talk to Santana?" Blaine asked and smiled when Kurt started talking about the woman's demands on marriage and happiness. It somehow seemed to become more real those words. It was coming from the outside now, and it felt like not everyone was against them getting back together.

Of course Burt and Carole were fine with it. Finn and Quinn had clapped their hands and so on, but it was _Santana_ accepting this. Maybe cracking Mercedes' shell could be possible? Blaine hoped for it. He had called them and spends a night talking to Sam about their current situation. Mercedes had cried after kicking Kurt out, apologizing to Sam over and over for being so weak. Blaine had asked to speak with her and had sung to her for hours, reminding her that weakness was okay.

* * *

><p>"Kurt." Kurt turned to face Puck standing a few feet from him, leaning against a tree and smiling. He had grown a full head of hair and his eyes were shining in a whole new way, but it still looked like the high school guy throwing Kurt into dumpsters.<p>

"You hate me too, don't you?" Kurt whispered and smiled at the other. Puck nodded and smiled back at him.

"You were cruel. But you're trying to get him back now I hear. Let's talk about that. Can I treat you for something to drink?"

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><p><em>I'm sorry for all my typos. I'm not very good at spotting them.<em>

_Puck properly OOC too. damn. I'm not good at this. But they've grown. I'll excuse myself with that._


	14. Chapter 14

_I a little nervous about this one. _

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><p>"Oh," Blaine whispered and tried to find an expression to fit his feelings, but failing and just stared blankly at Kurt, who was standing right in front of him, only separated by Blaine fear of reaching forwards. Kurt smiled and stepped forward, causing Blaine to stumble back into the apartment.<p>

"Sorry, I just missed your face," Kurt said when he realized Blaine didn't really seem happy about the sudden visit. Blaine still stared at him, like he was some sort of ghost, walking in his door and claiming his soul. Simply, he didn't know what to feel or if he felt anything.

Not that he hadn't missed Kurt or wanted the awful wait to come to an end. It was just too much, because he didn't want to be able to throw himself at Kurt. Blaine knew himself well enough to know, that he would do so, given the chance. There it was, and he felt the urge to kiss the paler man and disappear into it. He didn't want perfect. He wanted Kurt.

"I missed yours, too," Blaine whispered and tried to figure out what to do next. Kurt had the figured out already and took Blaine hand, leading him to the living room.

"She won't talk to me, Blaine. She just won't," Kurt said after they had settled next to each other on the couch. "I'll keep trying, but if I keep showing up, she'll call the police."

"Mercedes?" Blaine said and looked at his own hands. They were much more rough than he remembered them. The guitar and bass had left their marks on him.

Blaine hadn't been able to play for a long time after Kurt had left him. All his ambitions had been burned down by his crying and longing for the arms of the one that had left him broken behind. Somehow he had managed to get back to the music little by little, but it was hard to admit that the happy love songs he once written weren't him anymore. Kurt had taken that part away.

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><p>"<em>Part of me wishes he wouldn't want me back. He shouldn't, I was horrible to him. But then again; I'm a selfish person wanting him more every minute." <em>

_Puck hadn't said a word for half an hour. He had listened to Kurt talk and watched him cry and nodded for him to go on. It wasn't that he didn't have anything to say, but he felt that it was the right thing to do: Listen. _

"_Remembering him as he was back then, I feel even worse," Kurt said and smiled sadly at Puck who looked right back into his eyes. They both felt the fire burning in Kurt's eyes. Puck drank the last of his beer and got up from the table._

"_Your treat. Go get him," He said before leaving the shorter man behind._

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><p>"I'm going to let you in for real if you stay," Blaine whispered when Kurt asked what to do. It seemed like the right thing to do: Staying. But at the same time Kurt knew much it meant to Blaine to it the right way. They couldn't build a relationship on a desperate need for closeness. "We should make up for real," Kurt said and smiled at the photo in Blaine wall of Blaine and a couple of the Warblers.<p>

"Yes we should," Blaine said and smiled at Kurt who was still staring at the picture. Kurt's phone buzzed and he looked surprised when lifting it to see the display. Blaine couldn't help but ask who it was, and when Mercedes' name came from Kurt's lips, Blaine sighed with pure relief.

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><p><em>Mercedes had been arguing with herself for a week when she made the call. She didn't know what to say and hoped Kurt would somehow say something magical and work it all out for them. That had happened before, when he moved to New York. He had made it okay with words as simple as 'I'll see you around'. <em>

_It was a surprise to her that he didn't know what to say or do. He simply broke down and she talked to him while cried and told her how sorry he was. But it wasn't a bad thing that she was in control this time around. It made it perfectly okay for her to be strong and tell him just how much she would hurt him if he ever pulled that same trick ever again. _

_He promised her that stars and his life if she would just make him her friend again. And she took it all and painted his world again. She could feel him glow through the phone. She could hear him smile._

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><p>"It is like turning of the black and white function on a camera. Everything clears up. I can see you now." The silence fell between the two men as they sat on the couch next to each other. They hadn't moved for hours. They had just talked about life and how it was going to play out for them.<p>

Blaine had told Kurt about all the pain their years apart had brought him. How he had cried for weeks and held on to Rachel.

Kurt told Blaine about his marriage and how he had thrown himself into work and cold sex with this stranger Abel had been. They hadn't known each other very well. They had known the other's name and some background had been exposed, but they hadn't _known_ each other.

"This is going to be okay, right?" Kurt asked after a while. Blaine shrugged and smiled.

"Maybe."

"I want it to be," Kurt sighed and felt his eyes sting with tears. It wasn't good that he couldn't reach out and touch the man he loved, when he wanted Blaine so badly. They had to keep it down, to contain themselves and wait for the right moment. But as time passed and it became midnight, Kurt couldn't wait for that right time to come. He simply grabbed Blaine's hand and placed it over his heart. Blaine looked to Kurt who was looking down at their hands.

"Your heart is beating fast, Kurt," Blaine simply stated half a second before Kurt's lips rushed to his.

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><p><em>We got a lot of maybes to muddle through<em>

_But my emotional rabies are fixed on crashing through to you _

_Though governments and distance stand between us, well be fine_

'_Cause I'm gonna tear this world apart, baby, until you're mine_

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><p><em>Was that to fast? Can't help but hate myself not, but it was dragging out ...<em>

_Next chapter'll be the last. _

_I love you. _


	15. Chapter 15

_This shall be the last chapter. _

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><p>When Kurt woke the following morning in Blaine's bed, Blaine wasn't there. It was cold in his side of the bed and there were no sounds in the apartment. Kurt sat up and looked around in the small bedroom, wondering why there were no pictures of loved ones on the walls, but only a painting showing a sun shining through leaves of a tree.<p>

As Kurt turned his glace to the table beside the bed, he saw a note on the surface of it. It's a plain piece of paper, and when Kurt picks it up and reads it, he can't believe he's not sleeping, dreaming. Having a nightmare.

"_You know, Kurt, I woke in the middle of the night and thought of something. Something I've been pushing aside, because I love you that much. But it hurts, and if it can't get out of the world, I don't think I can take you back._

_You told me to kill myself. Now stop me. _

_Think, and you'll know where I am."_

Kurt didn't waste one minute after finishing the letter. He didn't need to think this over. He knew where Blaine was. The memories connected to that place were sacred.

Somehow Kurt made it out of the apartment and down on the street, running into people as he rushed through the morning traffic. It felt like slow motion.

There it was. Kurt stopped and stared at the entrance to a small park. That was when he felt his own body and noticed how out of breath he was. He smiled and walked past a family of four, the children screaming in the morning air.

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><p><em>Under the biggest tree they had been able to find, Blaine and Kurt settled to eat lunch. They did it in a playful manner, teasing and feeding each other. The birds singing around them sounded like they sung only for the two young men. Blaine started kissing Kurt's cheeks and soon the two of them were stripping of clothes and moaning. <em>

_No one could see them under the tree, but they could be heard. Not that any of them cared much; they were caught up in the act. Blaine smiled and wiped Kurt's tears away as their eyes locked. Kurt looked down on Blaine, spread underneath him, flushed all the way down his chest. Something broke in Kurt at that moment, and he realized, that if this guy ever left him, he'd be broken. He would have to leave first._

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><p>Blaine sat under the tree they had made love under many years ago and smiled, when Kurt arrived. As Kurt got down on all four to crawl to Blaine, they smiled gently at each other. Blaine sat with a rope in his hands. Kurt couldn't help but stare at it and wonder when Blaine had bought it. This morning? Or back when Kurt had first asked Blaine to end his life? No matter what, it wasn't a nice sight to the love of his life to sit with a rope to commit suicide with.<p>

Kurt reached out for the rope and pulled it into his own hands. Blaine still held on to one end and looked at Kurt's face. They stayed silent for a while before Kurt started sobbing and released the rope. Blaine stared at him trying to figure out what was wrong. As he was about to give up and ask, Kurt told him.

"I love you, Blaine. I love you so much, that I can't take it. I hate myself right now. I hate how cold I've been and how awful I made you feel. I can't make up for any of it. I can't ask of you that we start over. I owe you the world. You deserve the world. I'm not the guy you should have by your side, and yet here we are, you ask me to talk you out of killing yourself. Don't do it Blaine, find another way to break my heart, so we can get closer to even."

Blaine wasn't going to say anything. He just sat in silence and watched Kurt cry for hours. When Kurt stopped crying, he started apologizing over and over. Blaine told him to keep quiet and smiled gently at him. The rope between on the ground between them reminded of why they were there. Blaine still held it after four hours of sitting under the tree.

"How did you even plan to hang yourself here?" Kurt asked in a whisper, feeling that he didn't want to know the answer. Blaine pointed towards the tree above them and smiled as he explained how good he was at climbing. Kurt didn't seem the least bit fascinated.

"What now?" Kurt asked to change the subject to something that might be somewhat comforting. Blaine looked up and smiled at the green light streaming down on him. Kurt simply looked at him and waited for an answer.

"We go home," Blaine finally said. "You spend however long it might take to make this up to me, and then one of us proposes." Kurt laughed a bit at the last part and followed Blaine out from under the tree.

* * *

><p>"<em>Sometimes I wonder why people get together and then break up soon after," Blaine said as he rested next to Kurt. They had been in New York for three weeks and still hadn't started collage yet. Kurt turned to face Blaine, who was staring up at the ceiling. <em>

"_They do because they think they've found something but then realize it's nothing." Blaine turned his face toward Kurt's and smiled at him. _

"_Don't ever leave me, love," Blaine whispered and Kurt reached out a hand to stroke Blaine's cheek. Whenever he did that, Blaine responded by purring slightly and leaning into the touch. Kurt chuckled and rested the hand on Blaine's face. Blaine held his own hand over Kurt's and they moved in to kiss each other._

"_I want a lot of things in life," Kurt whispered, "I want a career that get's me somewhere and a big house." Blaine smiled at him, already knowing his lovers wishes by heart. "But I also want to marry you and have kids to raise with you." Blaine kissed Kurt once more before adding that they would need a dog._

"_And something to remind us, that we are everything we'll ever need," Blaine finished and kissed Kurt's palm._

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><p><em>That's it. Finished. Was it an okay ending?<em>

_I really need to tell you guys, that you make my life, okay? I cannot thank enough for all the kind reviews I've gotten._

_I deeply love you._


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